Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dark reflections of my past

I saw him today.  I was in the park playing hide and seek with my two young kids.  My two, innocent, living life to the fullest, kids.  I happened to look over at the house next the park, and there he was in the backyard watering flowers like nothing ever happened.  I haven't seen him for 17 years.  His hair once black is now completely grey and time hasn't been good to him.  

Before he was the boisterous teacher with the loud laugh that pushed you to think creatively.  You didn't admit it, you hated the work, but you liked the results that came and you appreciated it.   Not anymore.  Any respect you had for him has turned into disgust.  Everything in me wants to go back 17 years ago and expose to the world the fraud that he was.  To give back the innocence of those he hurt and to open the eyes of those who supervised him. 

Reflection of your school years was supposed to be one of glory days, of Friday night football triumphs, high school crushes, and innocence.   I look back now and think, "What if..."

What if I confronted him, what would I have said?  What if I had told the police, what if I had warned the victims, what if he decided to prey upon me? 

I wasn't a victim, but if he truly hurt 100 or more kids I should have known.  To know now, that while most of us were experiencing a normal life, some of my classmates were going through a nightmare.   How did I not see?  How could I be so self-absorbed that I didn't have any idea?  

I played the what if game when I saw his name in the paper again last week.  The feelings rushed back.  I'm still angry.  It's still right there.   Writing this post today helps give me closure.  But writing isn't enough.

I haven't completely forgiven him, and I will not receive peace until I do.  Forgiveness doesn't mean what he did was right.  I'm starting to learn the difference.

My life is good.  I've been blessed to have been born in the best country in the world, to have won the "parent lottery" with two parents that loved me and raised me right.  I have a loving wife and two beautiful innocent children and a meaningful job that gives me financial peace.  At the center of it all is God.  I truly believe that my life (and yours) is better with God in the middle of it.  The more I forgive the more peace I receive.  That's a wonderful gift.   I don't think this happens by yourself, you have to ask Him to give you strength. 

I will learn to fully forgive him one day.  I ask you to do the same of that someone who hurt you.  This does not mean you accept what he/she did was right, forgiveness means letting go of your hatred and sorrow. 

To any of my classmates that haven't come forward yet, I am sorry for not noticing and helping.

1 comment:

  1. It's still "right there" for me too. And I'm plenty angry, especially now that I am a parent. Can't second guess too much as we were only kids, but I agree with everything you said. It just boils down to pure evil. Sin is ugly and until Christ comes back we will be stuck with situations like that. I've seen him a few times too and I have to say that I'm not real pleased to know that he is living by a park. Seriously?