Your Heart

Christina is 40 years old.  She's been happily married for 15 years, has three beautiful children and a husband that cherishes her.  In high school she dated a handsome shy boy named Tom, which before long turned into a serious relationship.  This was Christina's first love, and first loves are often intense, and this one was no different.  Christina dated Tom into their college years where talks of marriage weren't just dreams, but an inevitability - and not just for Christina and Tom, but for their friends and parents.  In fact their parents were so sure that these two would marry, that they had no problems with the college sophomores driving to Colorado from Wisconsin to spend a week of vacation alone in the mountains.  A few years into this courtship Christina took the opportunity to study abroad in Spain while Tom stayed back home.  During Christina's time out of the country, Tom found another girl and broke up with Christina.  Christina was so devastated that it took two years before she would date again. 

Over 20 years later, Christina's heart, still holds feelings for Tom.  20 years past the heartache - the feelings still remains.  She wakes up in the middle of the night dreaming of Tom.  Her heart will not extinguish the flame.   The heart has found new love, a deeper love with her husband and children... but Tom is still there.

Two years ago Tammy lost her brother in a hunting accident.  He drove a grey Jeep Cherokee.  Every time a grey Jeep drives past, her heart races thinking it might be him.   A month ago she walked passed a grey jeep in the parking lot.  It sounds odd, but she couldn't refrain herself to look in the vehicle to see if maybe if it was her brother's.

Michael Jordan was made to play basketball.  He was the best player during his era, and is arguably the best player of all time.  He has failed in every other endeavor.  He tried baseball, failed.  His marriage - ended in divorce, His NBA Washington Wizards team - worst team in the league.  Gambling = major fail.  All this failure and I can see why M.J. kept coming back to play after all those retirements.   

Tammy will never get her brother back, Christina will never get Tom back, and Michael Jordan will never play in the NBA again.  But this is where their hearts ache and remain.     

The pain hurts and may never go away.  We ask ourselves why?  Why did I lose the job I loved?  Why hasn't the girl called me back?  Why hasn't my prayer been answered?  I don't know.  Sometimes we get clarity, but often we don't. 

In the book Desire, author John Eldredge writes, "God has something in mind.  He is deeply and personally committed in restoring humanity.  Restoring you.  There was a man or woman in mind when He made you... And now what He is up to is restoring you.  The way that happens is to shape your life along the same lines as the life of His Son.  To shape you in the image of His Son.  Whatever else might be going on in your life, God always has an eye on your transformation."


Through the struggles and broken heart God is shaping you so that you can grow and have a stronger relationship with others and Him.  You can't trust unless you learn forgiveness.  You can't be a good friend if you are selfish.  You can't find peace if you are ruled by worry.  You can't be truly elevated unless you are humble (insert Denny Hecker example).  It's the ultimate paradox.  And yet, for me and for most of us, it is a difficult pill to swallow.

AFTERTHOUGHT:
If God is in control and if you are still walking on this spinning rock, then your life has a purpose.  God has plans for you.  You have unfinished work to do.    God is shaping you to do remarkable things in this world and in the next. 

Easy vs. difficult

• McDonald's = easy.   Cooking at home = difficult.
• Spending money = easy.  Saving money = difficult.
• Eating your favorite food = easy.  Eating healthy = difficult.
• Following directions at work = easy.  Finding creative solutions on your own at work = difficult.
• Judging others negatively = easy.  Treating others with respect when they don't do the same = difficult
• Threatening your kids with discipline = easy.   Enforcing discipline = difficult.
• Not talking to your spouse after an argument = easy.  Apologizing and admitting you're wrong = difficult.
• Sleeping in = easy.  Getting up early for a 30 minute run = difficult.
• Letting your kids watch a movie while you take a nap = easy.  Actively engaging in fun family activities when your tired= difficult.

And the list goes on.  We all know that when you consistently sacrifice and actively do the difficult things in life you have a stronger marriage, finances, health, family, career, etc.   What we end up doing when we choose easy - when we do something we know we shouldn't - we beat ourselves up for it.  We say we aren't good enough to do the difficult and we give up and go back to easy.  That's where we fail.

Sometimes easy is downright foul, but not every time for every circumstance.
The problem for me is when I always choose easy.  When I consistently eat out or when I frequently talk negatively about others, that's when I get stuck in a rut and find it very hard to get out.   If I go too long without exercising, it becomes very hard to get back into the shape I want.

Easy isn't always bad
Once in while - go ahead and eat whatever you want, let the kids watch tv, sleep in.  Nothing wrong with that.   Starving yourself completely from that warm brownie with hot fudge, whip cream, and ice cream on top won't work.   It's just too damn good.  Going cold turkey for most of us is practically impossible.  It might even be unhealthy.  But if you choose difficult regularly, you find it is easier to choose the difficult in the long run.


 

Top 10 list of weird things I've done for love

I've done some weird things in my life.  Embarrassing things.  Things that in any normal situation I would avoid like the plague.  Things that I hate to admit I've done for love.  I created this list, not to promote my weirdness, but for all of you to embrace your inner weirdness so that you too can feel free to be weird and be loved.

Hopefully you won't judge me.

In looking back at the last 9 years, here are the top weird things that I never thought would happen because of love.

1. Gone shopping for feminine products.  (It's hard to even write this one)
2. Choreographed and performed a dance to Michael Jackson's, "Smooth Criminal"
3. I've written poems.
4. I've carried a woman's purse. (Hence the picture)
5. Driven all day so that I can be with loved ones for just a few hours.
6. Held hands in public (this is still very hard for me)
7. Went along for dress and shoe shopping.
8. Went to a couple's spa party.  Can you say uncomfortable?
9. Became the designated "puke cleaner" for the family.  Nothing says I love you more than cleaning up your loved one's vomit.
10. Said yes to having a dog (twice).  Which means picking up dog crap and lack of freedom to get out of dodge in a moment's notice.

Embarassing list?  For me, yes.  Worth it?  Absolutely.  As a father of a little girl, I see myself taking part in future activities that will get me outside of my comfort zone.  Be it playing with dolls, or actually dancing with her at weddings receptions.  To me, I hope my wife and my daughter will look back on those embarrassing days and say, "Jeesh, he must have really loved me to do THAT".

Yep.

The Problem With Goals, And How I Am Approaching The New Year.

2011 was a year without any goals.  Instead I created a theme for the year.  The theme: Intentional.   With the sudden passing of my grandmother, a young co-worker, and my former high school algebra teacher all within the span of a couple of months,  I was going to make sure that I was intentional with my relationships.  I regretted not spending enough time with those I love and needed to make a change.

I vowed to learn more about the only grandparent I have left.  I had a bunch of questions that I have always wanted to ask my grandma, but felt they were too personal and maybe too uncomfortable for her to talk about.  I wanted to know about her childhood, what she was like as a youngster, how she met her husband, and some of the secrets of her happiness.  I knew my grandma lost her mother when she was eight years old and wanted to know how that has shaped her.  But again, maybe that was too uncomfortable of a subject to talk about.

I wavered 11 months before I summoned up the courage to ask her about her childhood and her life.  I went over to her apartment on a November night and simply asked if she would consider giving me a Christmas gift of writing an essay about her life instead of a store purchased gift.  I said that there are life lessons in her experiences that I'd like to pass on to my kids.

I left her apartment feeling good that I at least asked the question.  If she decided not to write anything, then I'd be ok with that.

On December 26, exactly one year from losing my grandma, my only remaining grandparent wrote me and her children a 22 page life story that she titled, "Reflections".  It is a work of art that brought tears to my eyes.  It was the best Christmas present.

Overall if you asked me how I did on my "Intentional" theme for the year, I'd give myself a "B".  There were relationships that I didn't do so well in - but creating a theme for the year was really beneficial.  I liked it so much I've created a theme for 2012.  If you'd like to know my theme, email me at nathanwarden@hotmail.com and I'll share it with you, as its a little too personal to share publicly.

Now about goals.
The problem with writing down your goals is that you have a high probability of accomplishing them.  All of sudden picking goals became a whole lot more important.  Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me writing down your goals falls under the category of: "Good idea, but very few people try it". 

Not having any goals for 2011, I found myself with a lack of direction in my career and in some aspects, with my family.  This year, I brought back goal setting and I spent a good chunk of time reflecting on two questions.

1) What went well in 2011?

2) What did not go well in 2011?

I asked those two questions for my job, my family, my finances, my faith and tried to come up with 6-8 answers for each category.  I then came up with several goals for each category.  The goals that I created are "S.M.A.R.T." goals.  Meaning they are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely.   Most importantly, each goal has to have a big "Why" behind it.  Why do I want to achieve this goal?  If the reason why isn't big enough, I scrap it from the goal list.  Not having a big why behind a goal leads to an unaccomplished goal.  If its not important enough, don't waste your time and effort.

One of my S.M.A.R.T. goals this year is to go on a date with my daughter once a month.  The reason why - my biggest legacy will be my children, if I'm not spending quality time with them, then I'm placing my efforts in areas that don't matter.  It's my hope that she'll look back on these dates with fondness and remember her old man in a positive way.  And in some way I hope she develops good character because of how I modeled it to her.

Once you have your goals written on paper, put them in a place where you will see them often.  Like next to your work computer, or on your bedroom door.

Then if you really want to make sure you accomplish your goals, share them with a friend or co-worker.  Telling someone else your goals gives you some accountability and hopefully, a source of support.

The summer before heading off to college I worked at the soft soap assembly line.  During a break I had told a co-worker I was planning on playing college basketball.  He replied, I hope you do - I'll make sure to look up your name in the box scores this winter.   When it came time to try-out for the team, I wasn't sure if I should play, but then I remembered my soft soap co-worker and if I didn't play, he wouldn't see my name in the paper.  He'd think I was a quitter if my name wasn't in the box score.  I did try out, and made the team.  Had I not said anything, had I not had the tiny bit of accountability, I probably wouldn't have tried out, and missed out on one the best experiences of my life.

Ex claimer:  I'm not an expert on goal setting, in fact - I can't give you hard nosed facts that this process will work.  Only thing I can give is hope.  It is my hope that this process will lead to the best year of my life.  If you use it, who knows - maybe you'll have the best year ever too.  Remember - we tend to underestimate what we can accomplish in a year, so set your goals high and see what happens.

I think it will be worth your time.  Have a great year everybody!

10 Things I Believe to Be True

The following blog post comes as a result of watching a TED talk given by a young gal who uses an exercise called "10 Things I believe to be True" to inspire the poet in her students.  For me it is surprising hard, but each truth could be used as a starting point to a great poem or for me, a blog post.

1. One of these days my heart will stop and play its final beat.
2. I believe my kids will become adults and lose their innocence faster than I wish.
3. Life is full of paradoxes.
4. My children will be my greatest legacy.
5. Love makes you do weird things.
6. Positivity remains the single most important factor for a happy existence, yet one of the most difficult.
7. Men and women are different in ways that can compliment each other and at the same time cause stress.   Finding the balance is every married couples challenge. 
8. It's better to trust and be let down every once in a while, then to not trust and be miserable all the time (Abe Lincoln)
9. My biggest fear is succeeding in areas of my life that do not matter.
10. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes shall not perish but have eternal life.  

 As we are nearing the end of 2011, I plan to take these truths, use them as a reflection as I come up with goals for 2012.  Might be a good starting point. 

I'll share my goal writing process in a future post.   I promise to have it up before the new year begins.

A letter from Africa

A decade ago I sponsored a young lad in Africa.  About three times a year I hear from this now young adult in the form of a written letter.  Want to feel good?  I suggest sponsoring a child.  For the small amount I donate I receive in exchange letters gushing with gratitude.

For fun I thought I'd  share with you a portion of his letter.  (His name has been changed for protection reasons)

....  Much regards to Jacob, I am happy to hear that Jacob will be going to school soon and for your daughter I wish her all the best  as she is still going to school.  Tell your wife that our family is praying for her.

Pass my family greetings to Jacob, Winona, and Autumn.  We all love you very much and are always in our daily prayers.


Then he sent a poem he had written

When I woke up in the morning lying on my bed, I was asking my self what is the secret to success in life?  I found the answers in my room.

The fan said be cool.
The roof said aim high
The window said see the world
The clock said every moment in very special.
The mirror said reflect before you act.
The calendar said be up-to-date.
The door said push hard for your goals.

And not to forget the carpet said kneel down and pray.
Carry a smile that never hates.
Carry a smile that never fades.
Carry a smile that never hurts.
Have a purposeful day in the Lord.
God bless us to be a blessing into others.


Thank you all for being a blessing to my life.


Your Friend,
Daniel



One small gift a month, and in return I get letters like these.  Pretty sweet deal if you ask me.

Stupidity and Butterflies

One thing I miss about being a teenager is being stupid.   When I was younger I never experienced stress.  Now it seems as though the older I get, the more I over-think things, and the more I experience stress.  I feel the tension of trying to do great work, providing for my family, and leading a life of character.   I am not overwhelmed, but for a week I've had a knot in my stomach.  This persistent knot is new to me.  Normally when I get the butterflies it will last for just a few minutes, but this is unusual.  I want it to go away.

Last week I made a quick announcement in front of 400 people regarding the dates, location, and theme of a conference I am helping out on.  I'm really excited about this conference.  But for whatever reason about 20 minutes before I was to go on stage to make the announcement, I freaked out.  This is where I wish I was stupid again.  Because during my freakfest not only did I imagine me fumbling over my words, but that my short little announcement (that I had thoroughly prepared for) wouldn't go over well.   In my mind I imagined the worst case scenario, and then I hit the "repeat" button.  

This is where being stupid would have come in handy.

If I was stupid, I wouldn't have thought about failure, I would have gone ahead spoke in front of a large group and done my thing.

Maybe stupidity is why Mark Zuckerberg succeeded with Facebook, maybe stupidity is the reason why Lindberg succeeded flying across the Atlantic.  Think about Lindberg, do you think it was smart to fly the Spirit of St. Louis over the Atlantic when nobody else had done it before?  That's about as dumb as you can get.  To Zuckerberg, Lindberg and countless other successful endeavors, logic was thrown out the door and only possibilities remained.

You and I with our big brains over-think failure and create sound evidence in our minds to shove our dreams to the side. 

All of us have that self-doubting voice in our head, all of us get butterflies when we're about to attempt to do something out of our comfort zone.   We want that knot in our stomach to go away, we want the butterflies to stop floating.  No matter what I write, I'm not ever going to make those things go away for you or me. 

But here is the tough thing - you have a choice.  You can untie the knot and you can kill the butterflies in your stomach by ending your dream, which will finally give you relief.  Or you can you climb the knot, ride those butterflies, and keep your dream alive.